Autumn Reflections

It's late november and southern UK is finally enjoying autumn. Guy Fawkes Night have passed with great fires (supposedly to celebrate the survival of an english king, but the pagan connection is not lost on me, the battle of the two kings will always manifest from time to time). And not to mention the sweeties offered and the hog roast rolls, chestnuts and mulled wine. It was truly a celebration.   

And I'm still shaping and building, I guess that's going to carry on forever no matter where I go, change are after all part of the human program, weather we like it or not. The particle matter of getting the rest of my stuff, memories, nick nacks and life, transported to the UK is getting more real, friends are gathering and planning to make it happen. It reassures me that even though we no longer see each other very often, we still have a lasting connection, and I have not left all behind. Hearts do remember.

I still don't reach out enough, I still don't look out enough or grab a hand, but I'm getting better at it and I'm truly trying to shape new connections in life and all matters.......and results are slowly shaping before my minds eye. 

  

     

  

From Bournemouth to Denmark and back again

Moving through the land in a slow lazy movment  I start to notice different details of the country that have held me thight for over a year now. I’m surpprised to see us driving by so much heath in all its purple flower glory and dark green desert. It remaind me of the country that I’m traveling to, of my childhood spent in solitry play on the danish heath, letting it be the background for a whole world of my mind. I’v always defined my country by this old heath, the heath that my pesent ansters lived on 200 years ago. It’s almost like a blood memory, inheareted down through the generations to make us rezognise this landscape as our home to protect. But seeing it here feels like a old bridge between my two countrys,  a bridge that I just haden’t noticed before but was there right before my eyes, I just had to turn the right corner.

Later I’m hypnotizes by the ”sky” skabe I see outside the airplaine window, I’v see it before, but it never sezes to amaze me. It always makes me feel like I just rediscovered a secret world that I knew in dreams but only now just dscovered in the waking world. 

Much later the next day, still affected by the danish firewater we drank the night before, Im sitting in my moms garden enjoying a rare danish summer day contemplating past and present, and how it just seems to fit perfectly together.

Moms cottage is truly back and beyond, you see it across vast fields, and behind the house on an old hill is the village church, and with uncle living in the cottage next door, its become a suprime place for our family to gather when possible. You just can’t surpass the peace of the place.  Its like my mother and uncle have erected an invisible wall around theire two cottages and inbetween them, build a magical garden, theire own special world that I get to visit when ever possible.  

Now  it’s the last night, sitting before I’ll retire completly, Im thinking of the feelings I’ll take with me, the memories and the family blessing I’m carrying with me across the water. I now truly belong to two contryes. One will always be the home that bore me and gave me myself and shaped my spirit, and the other is the country that adopted me and cought be when I needed it the most but expected it the least.

Proper medium and bending forward

Well Im trying to turn it, as in turning the situation, hopefully some of the circumstances will come later when Im ready. Yoga is on the agenda, or ad least Im threatening to :) The local medical center offers it for 7 quid a go, so it worth trying but still thats 28-35 a month.....but I'll try and add it to my plans of change :)
And besides I know that if I don't the tower will come looming again like it always do. But I appreciate it now for what it is, and thats an opportunity for creation.

And another big gift for myself, I bought a beautiful notebook for poetry and I started using it. All I need is the proper book and I cant stop myself, which really gives me great pleasure to use my creativity  again in its true form and medium. It reminds me that we all hold our own tower power of change,  creation and reshaping.

Again I find myself safely under Pandoras key.

  

Emerald green changes

The changes of the towers shadow no longer frighten me, but it still surprises me. I'm surprised in all the different shapes I find the change in, and the grand scale of blessings that it's beginning to bring into my life. I still see challenges in the tower that should not be underestimated, but I now have more faith in myself and the people that support my steps.


The slow nighttime lights of the overgrown chine, cradle my thoughts of life, the things I have shaped thus fare and the plans I have for the coming shapings. I never thought that I could feel safe living the life Im living now, but here I am, loving every second and feeling right at home, and that is to say safe in this world.  Sure theres still practical details that haunt my remaining seance of paranoia, but I know that child now and are amending.

Laying in the deep green shadows in my room, at the edge of the chine, I'm listening to the owls greetings to the oncoming night, giving fair warning to the small ones that the hunt are soon to begin. Ocean waves mix and mingle with the nightlife of the chine and I finally surrender to sleep in the halls of the holy hunter that roam these ancient isles.

So much is still to come.....

  
 

Spring moments

Well it's hard to worry when you live 5 mins from this morning view, don't get me wrong, I still manage every now and then, but living here somehow makes it more easy not to surrender to the habit of worry. 

When I worry I think of the things I still need to pay, the practicality of daily life and needs merging with wants. I need to visit my family soon, but I don't need to get the stuff (stored in the basement of my wonderful friend) shipped over just now...and not to be all that materialistic but I do miss my stuff that have memories attached. 

These are the few thoughts that worry be, along with general bills and such, but not so much anymore ...and the rest...I'm not telling.      

And this is the treasures given to me by my dear friend, after returning from a visit to Dk. hmmmm Brøndum snaps <3 You may not understand this tribute but it don't matter, it's love <3

 And we had the first fire of 2011! Finally the gentle twilight was kind and we surrendered to the timeless evening. I'm sure theres a poem that needs shaping from this evening, but I haven't  caught it just yet, I'll have to work on that one soon.  

Burning a bridge is hard work, for theres always a part of the bridge that you don't want to burn, meaning there's always a heart, friendship connection that's worth preserving, but this requires a whole new bridge I found. So while the old bridge is going down, a new is going up. But not always following the same speed of destruction and construction, so temporary patches are needed.

But in the end, it's going to look very pretty :)  

One kind of falling

You could tell they had not knowen each other for that long, one chatty and listening shyly. Chatty is buff, thight and beautiful and chubby  is, well chubby and that expalines it, but what he dont see  is that he’s also very pretty, but chatty see’s it, but I wonder if he will every tell him.

Chatty is also funny, or tryes to be, and he’s playfull in the way he licks the milk foam slowly off with a shoon and lets his toung caress the spoon for a bit too long. If I did that you would not notice, but when he did it, it became erotic, of not pornographic.

He’s gestures bring us close to each other from across the small coffee table, carefully I try and lean closer over the table, in a very planned casual way, but I loose my nerve and pull back, his phone rings and he pulls back as well, and I feel a very distinct stab in  my heart. It must have shown on my face, because while he’s talking on the phone, his face expresses concern for me.

That’s the problem with being fundamentally shy, you just can’t help being too honest. And that don’t fit together at all.

I warm up and get fare to hopeful for my own good…

It always takes a while but when he warms up, he would become more daring and just be so funny, and that fact that he did not know this just made it so much more funny, and not to mention, honest, something humor rarely is,. I know mien isn't.

He seem preoccupied and nervous, he listens a lot and I always wonder what he’s thinking, and what he’s filing away, I wonder where he stores his words and thoughts, and if he every looks at them again, or if he just hides them.

He makes me laugh, and despite all my masks and ways of hiding in full daylight, he somehow sees me, and makes me forget my collection of masks. I don't know how he dose it, but he dose it everytime. Except if we are not alone, then he hides in full daylight much better then me.

We have a meeting  with the rest of the office and much go, already he’s going into hiding,

I hug him and hope…

streets of love

I found my corner in Costa...I got my coffee and my time. sigh. Truly at this moment in time, I have very few thoughts, which for me is just fab since most of my thoughts usually are very stressed and very numerous.

Naturally I carry all of  my old world with me, they don'r burden me because I have let go, or rather I don't live in them. I have created something new.

Im re-reading a diary page from last year, the 3th of march 2010, and listening to my own doubt and hope and fear, and seeing how fare I have come since then. I tend to forget how much I have done and achieved so I now make a point of re-reading these pages to observer the miles I have traveled.

The next day my dear friend and I took the train to London for the day. We had no other plans then a museum and a bit of shopping and we did this and LOTS more. Theres many things to hate in London and theres many many things to love. Love beats hates. And I was very surprised how much I have missed the life of the big city, how much the busy streets and buildings call me and knew my name very well.      
 

More changes

Its time to shape again, or rather its time to take the power of action more in my own hands and shape the situation according to my heart. My company is moving from England to Malmö Sweden in about 6 months. 

I can chose to stay under different and not so great circumstances, or move with the department to Malmö.......neither option is acceptable. 

Oh well, so like many MANY others in this day and age, its time to go out in the world and sell my ability to work, my dedication, my loyalty and hope to the highest...lowest....any bidder. I could move again, but I don't want to. As it turned out I fit in here much better then I expected when I came, and theres still so much more to experience and create, still so many aspects of my new life that needs shaping. 

But I must admit that I miss Copenhagen, and a handful of wonderful people, but in general I don't miss the average person, or rather, I don't miss the mentality in Denmark. So a small part of my is tempted, but the other part of me is not moving. 

So its back to the drawing board I guess....wish me luck. :)