As most of the western world celebrates fathers day today (with the exception of my home country), a casual thought runs through my brain about what this means.
I respect good fathers and do feel that in general a proper dedicated parent is something to be celebrated, but on an emotional level, I don't know what a father is....sorry, I know that sounds sad and "poor me" -ish, but truly, I just don't get it emotionally.
The reason is that my bio father never acted like a father, he's an alcoholic and just never had the strength to be a father, so he never fulfilled this responsibility, and truthfully I understand the man, after all I have met his side of the family and theres a good reason why he is the way he is, I'm just lucky that I have a mom that was strong enough to make up for that loss and ground me during my upbringing when I needed it the most.
But sometimes, like today, I wish that I had a father that I could look up to and maybe call and he would be there.....and I do believe that your relationship with your parents/mom/father help colour the relationships/friendships you have with other people....or ad least affect your perception of other people in relation to you, be that a lover, friend or just another person you want to connect to or get to know. I know that I have tons of issues relating to other men and theres several reasons for that.
Properly because my bio father was never around, I just find it hard to relate to other men in general, I never leaned how to I guess. If I wanted to speak to the man, or needed his help to fix my bike or family stuff I know that I had to go to the local bodega to find him.
The other reason is that I'm gay and spent a long time hiding it, and trying not to let other people know, especially other guys for fear of what they might do if they found out. So as a result I would avoid guys even more then I did already, so by now you can see be heading well and truly down the path of gay men with 1000 girlfriends and very few guy friends.
And really, that's ok, I'm not sad about it, its just one of those things that I still have to learn....how to have friendships with guys.....and that's where I run out of thoughts.......meh
