Fixed

One major flaw I possess is that I believe in true love and I believe in people and I really wish that I could stop that tendency because it truly destroys me on every level.

I just feel that the people I have give blind trust and love too,  are totally shitting on me, forgetting every promise they have ever give me and, I guess, not caring.

I truly wish I could do that, not care. It seems to bring so many people happiness  and satisfaction. Maybe its evil of me to dream of, but I guess it's just another stereotype coming trues, the romantic bleeding-heart dreaming of being a super bitch. It's so removed from what I am, but sometimes I find it hard to live with a heart that's always broken and never fixed...

So I guess the only questions is....will I every learn from my mistakes?

 

Walking...

A lot of sound is filling me tonight, I'm trying to let the tones move through me, travel through my heart and fare away. I feel a lot of anger, rage and hurt and when I'm summing it up in my head, it seems so petty and small unless you are at the heart of the situation.

I was promised a place and a feeling, I was charged to produce blind trust and I gave it, but it was not returned to my heart, mind or life and the debt still stands unanswered. It's my fear that it always will do so and they truly will not care in any way, or even remember what was promised.

My heart is breaking because I feel so very betrayed, especially after I gave the blind trust that was demanded of me, and returned non at all to me. Its a very hard one to swallow because it means that I'm alone again.

Well maybe the universe is trying to tell me something, yet again I'm meant to walk alone on this path of a lifetime.

End of June 2012

As I flee to the few shadows remaining the our sunny garden, I realize that a lot have changed, without leaving any visible marks on the surface of my daily life. I still have a lot of self-hatred to battle when I look in the mirror, but a more stable confidence is building up, so far so good. 


Yesterday My beloved sister Jackie came down from London to visit and I had the possibility to show my southern coast town/city off, and I was through her eyes I realized that I actually do love this place more the I thought. I know that I don't want to move north, despite a few attractive job offers, because after 2 years, Im really starting to own the place and build a proper home base, not just the physical home, but also build a feeling of home in whole place. 


My perception have changed in many ways, I can not see certain darker shadows in my own mind, identify them and take action to transform. The process can be slow, but one you just wake up and realize that you have changed. I have nothing planned for today, Im sitting in the garden, (within reach of WiFi, naturally) and just busy feeling the earth beneath my feet, and while my life at this moment is not perfect, at this moment I can truly say that I feel happiness...who would have thought that of me 2 years ago in Denmark. :) 

We have a coffee cat :)

Summer on the south coast :) 

     

Memories of Copenhagen

Due to the death of internet (sort of, at the moment I'm  abusing my mobiles internet on ma PC), I started to look through old old OLD folders and found some great stuff that inspired this post:

Memories of Copenhagen

Coven Court 

After a long journey the three witches are coming together to shape a court. I spent about 1 year and 8-9  months in Alum Chine,  also referred to as the tower, because it was here that I started to construct after the previous two years of destruction. That sounds dramatic, and in a few details it was, but I know that it was for the best, I even think that I knew it at the time but just in a more subtle way. I trusted the direction I was moving in, and the forces guiding me, I surrendered in my fear and let it happen and that was the right thing to do. 

I have spent the time I needed in the tower, and just not, two months on the edge and that was needed to. every step have had meaning. This first was to give me time to build, I was given a lot of support, but I needed to create my own contacts and my own feeling of home before I could start creating this with other people...and now the time is right. The time I spent on the edge was to provide motivation and inspiration, not by my own design (I'm not that cleaver or manipulative), but truly it was a thread on the weaving of The Norns. I believe that. 

I now here we are, we! Some where in between yet again, but we are standing strong due to the fact that we are very much together in this venture and very much due to that we have moved beyond trust. I don't expect anyone else to understand this, but it makes seance to us we trust it. 

   

   

Karma Lesson

 I didn't eat my packed lunch today, I went for chips and a burger instead. Life have handed me a test you see, and it's accompanied by a mirror. In this test I have to learn about trust, and about who your not suppose to give it too. I took an offer that seemed to good to be true, and guess what...it was. But this also serves as a sweet reminder that I'm not alone, that I have friends who are more then willing to help, support and cache me when needed.  

I might fall a bit, but I fall to hand and ground that I know, and help is at hand. This is my territory, and the feeling of home that I have build since day one, is connected to the whole town, every street I have walked on, every wave that have washed up over my feet and every corner I have turned is a part of what I carry with me, and they keep a small piece of my, of my scent.

Home. No longer just one place,  one building, one city or even one country. This is spread out in every footstep I take, and this makes it stronger, a growing international network of home.

I have a plan, or I have several plans in the making, we will see which one is manifested and what time frame is presented. I will have to see. I'm shake by this, by not as much as I would have been a few years ago. I'm not alone. 

Location, location location

Changes are coming with the winter rain. Its been expected for a while, almost foretold, but I misread some of the clues and signs involved. I guess my own sight was too focused on the target. But its nothing bad, just unexpected. Im moving again! But unlike last time when I crossed an ocean and a border (and a few bridges), now Im just moving across town. I'll miss the fairytale beauty of Alum Chine, but I'll be closer to work, have more space to myself, and better yet, my friends will be two streets away, so we can now see each other more often, and more easily. Another bonus is that I'll have more kitchen space, and a larder!! I honestly can't wait to fill it up with comfort, warmth, inherited recipes and security. So I'll be baking and cooking a lot more again.

 

Not to mention that I'll have a garden, which is perfect timing, so I/we (my house mate) have time to plan our garden. We both love to cook so we'll have lot's of fresh herbs.

 

I'm saving up to have my stuff shipped over from Denmark so I can't afford to spent money of decorating and furniture, so I'll have a very empty room for a while I'm affraide  (but I have been to IKEA to look at options, lots of magic space maker funitur available, will post pics when I get them). But I really don't mind. It just means I have time to search and find just the right stuff that fits the home I want to create. My friends are also a big help, they asked me in detail what my tast is, what colors I like and what style. So they too are going on the lookout for me, so the hunt is on! I'll just do what I did when i first moved to England, furnish my room with picktures. Its easy, cheap and a very efficiant way to create personal space, but unfortunately I cant sleep on a picture, so I will have to invest in a bed, and some kind of storage for my clothes. 

 

On a different note, Im actually enjoying the gentle rains and gray clouds, (I must be turning English), especially since the rest of Europe and north UK are covered in snow and frost. A bit of rain is just fine with me! After all, we did not get frost until mid January and it did not last that long, now we just have chili autumn weather (I might have to invest in Wellingtons at long last).

 

As we move through the second calender month of the new calender year, I'm starting to feel other foretold changes. Soon I'll be back at the moontree for more training in the Reiki mastership, the team awsomn circle is expanding and possibilities for various working are on the horizon. The past new years have been full on very specific changes, now we are starting a new set of changes, continuing the building that was started under the old changes, tweaking the details, fine tuning and expanding. Soon I'll have been here for two years, it's another marked passed and I can feel that I'm standing on more stable ground. I can't help to compare my move to England, to when I moved to Copenhagen. But where equally epic moves and changed me and my life very much, but what I compare is the time it took me to build a home and circle of friends in Copenhagen and the time it's taking now. 

 

I think the title given to the coming time, is "Resources coming together", and it's already starting to happen.