Men and fathers

As most of the western world celebrates fathers day today (with the exception of my home country), a casual thought runs through my brain about what this means.

I respect good fathers and do feel that in general a proper dedicated parent is something to be celebrated, but on an emotional level, I don't know what a father is....sorry, I know that sounds sad and "poor me" -ish, but truly, I just don't get it emotionally.

The reason is that my bio father never acted like a father, he's an alcoholic and just never had the strength to be a father, so he never fulfilled this responsibility, and truthfully I understand the man, after all I have met his side of the family and theres a good reason why he is the way he is, I'm just lucky that I have a mom that was strong enough to make up for that loss and ground me during my upbringing when I needed it the most.

But sometimes, like today, I wish that I had a father that I could look up to and maybe call and he would be there.....and I do believe that your relationship with your parents/mom/father help colour the relationships/friendships you have with other people....or ad least affect your perception of other people in relation to you, be that a lover, friend or just another person you want to connect to or get to know. I know that I have tons of issues relating to other men and theres several reasons for that.

Properly because my bio father was never around, I just find it hard to relate to other men in general, I never leaned how to I guess. If I wanted to speak to the man, or needed his help to fix my bike or family stuff I know that I had to go to the local bodega to find him.

The other reason is that I'm gay and spent a long time hiding it, and trying not to let other people know, especially other guys for fear of what they might do if they found out. So as a result I would avoid guys even more then I did already, so by now you can see be heading well and truly down the path of gay men with 1000 girlfriends and very few guy friends.

And really, that's ok, I'm not sad about it, its just one of those things that I still have to learn....how to have friendships with guys.....and that's where I run out of thoughts.......meh
   

     

A few special nights

Fixed

One major flaw I possess is that I believe in true love and I believe in people and I really wish that I could stop that tendency because it truly destroys me on every level.

I just feel that the people I have give blind trust and love too,  are totally shitting on me, forgetting every promise they have ever give me and, I guess, not caring.

I truly wish I could do that, not care. It seems to bring so many people happiness  and satisfaction. Maybe its evil of me to dream of, but I guess it's just another stereotype coming trues, the romantic bleeding-heart dreaming of being a super bitch. It's so removed from what I am, but sometimes I find it hard to live with a heart that's always broken and never fixed...

So I guess the only questions is....will I every learn from my mistakes?

 

Walking...

A lot of sound is filling me tonight, I'm trying to let the tones move through me, travel through my heart and fare away. I feel a lot of anger, rage and hurt and when I'm summing it up in my head, it seems so petty and small unless you are at the heart of the situation.

I was promised a place and a feeling, I was charged to produce blind trust and I gave it, but it was not returned to my heart, mind or life and the debt still stands unanswered. It's my fear that it always will do so and they truly will not care in any way, or even remember what was promised.

My heart is breaking because I feel so very betrayed, especially after I gave the blind trust that was demanded of me, and returned non at all to me. Its a very hard one to swallow because it means that I'm alone again.

Well maybe the universe is trying to tell me something, yet again I'm meant to walk alone on this path of a lifetime.

End of June 2012

As I flee to the few shadows remaining the our sunny garden, I realize that a lot have changed, without leaving any visible marks on the surface of my daily life. I still have a lot of self-hatred to battle when I look in the mirror, but a more stable confidence is building up, so far so good. 


Yesterday My beloved sister Jackie came down from London to visit and I had the possibility to show my southern coast town/city off, and I was through her eyes I realized that I actually do love this place more the I thought. I know that I don't want to move north, despite a few attractive job offers, because after 2 years, Im really starting to own the place and build a proper home base, not just the physical home, but also build a feeling of home in whole place. 


My perception have changed in many ways, I can not see certain darker shadows in my own mind, identify them and take action to transform. The process can be slow, but one you just wake up and realize that you have changed. I have nothing planned for today, Im sitting in the garden, (within reach of WiFi, naturally) and just busy feeling the earth beneath my feet, and while my life at this moment is not perfect, at this moment I can truly say that I feel happiness...who would have thought that of me 2 years ago in Denmark. :) 

We have a coffee cat :)

Summer on the south coast :) 

     

Memories of Copenhagen

Due to the death of internet (sort of, at the moment I'm  abusing my mobiles internet on ma PC), I started to look through old old OLD folders and found some great stuff that inspired this post:

Memories of Copenhagen

Coven Court 

After a long journey the three witches are coming together to shape a court. I spent about 1 year and 8-9  months in Alum Chine,  also referred to as the tower, because it was here that I started to construct after the previous two years of destruction. That sounds dramatic, and in a few details it was, but I know that it was for the best, I even think that I knew it at the time but just in a more subtle way. I trusted the direction I was moving in, and the forces guiding me, I surrendered in my fear and let it happen and that was the right thing to do. 

I have spent the time I needed in the tower, and just not, two months on the edge and that was needed to. every step have had meaning. This first was to give me time to build, I was given a lot of support, but I needed to create my own contacts and my own feeling of home before I could start creating this with other people...and now the time is right. The time I spent on the edge was to provide motivation and inspiration, not by my own design (I'm not that cleaver or manipulative), but truly it was a thread on the weaving of The Norns. I believe that. 

I now here we are, we! Some where in between yet again, but we are standing strong due to the fact that we are very much together in this venture and very much due to that we have moved beyond trust. I don't expect anyone else to understand this, but it makes seance to us we trust it.