Changes to my foundation

Change defines the core condition of human life, most of us don't like it, some even hate it and others will risk life itself to stop change. But I guess I understand, the change that guides our lives are often heavily influenced by chaos, and we can never predict in what direction its going to take us. Change often lead us into the unknown.

Well, changes came and moved through my life, and this one was horrifying because it changed and still changes how I saw and see myself and the security I through was my firm foundation. The change is not through, its only halfway, but now I can see its transformative power and like an early Bournemouth spring it holds hope and potential.

I feel as if I'm finding my way back to something I already knew, but I got distracted by other changes, possibilities and dreams and I lost my way. I'm going back now to find the words I once used to describe the world, and specifically the words I use to explore and describe the last great earthquake of change that moved through my world, how I saw it and how I saw myself before and after.

I think that this time it could be quite fun.   

Men and fathers

As most of the western world celebrates fathers day today (with the exception of my home country), a casual thought runs through my brain about what this means.

I respect good fathers and do feel that in general a proper dedicated parent is something to be celebrated, but on an emotional level, I don't know what a father is....sorry, I know that sounds sad and "poor me" -ish, but truly, I just don't get it emotionally.

The reason is that my bio father never acted like a father, he's an alcoholic and just never had the strength to be a father, so he never fulfilled this responsibility, and truthfully I understand the man, after all I have met his side of the family and theres a good reason why he is the way he is, I'm just lucky that I have a mom that was strong enough to make up for that loss and ground me during my upbringing when I needed it the most.

But sometimes, like today, I wish that I had a father that I could look up to and maybe call and he would be there.....and I do believe that your relationship with your parents/mom/father help colour the relationships/friendships you have with other people....or ad least affect your perception of other people in relation to you, be that a lover, friend or just another person you want to connect to or get to know. I know that I have tons of issues relating to other men and theres several reasons for that.

Properly because my bio father was never around, I just find it hard to relate to other men in general, I never leaned how to I guess. If I wanted to speak to the man, or needed his help to fix my bike or family stuff I know that I had to go to the local bodega to find him.

The other reason is that I'm gay and spent a long time hiding it, and trying not to let other people know, especially other guys for fear of what they might do if they found out. So as a result I would avoid guys even more then I did already, so by now you can see be heading well and truly down the path of gay men with 1000 girlfriends and very few guy friends.

And really, that's ok, I'm not sad about it, its just one of those things that I still have to learn....how to have friendships with guys.....and that's where I run out of thoughts.......meh
   

     

A few special nights

Fixed

One major flaw I possess is that I believe in true love and I believe in people and I really wish that I could stop that tendency because it truly destroys me on every level.

I just feel that the people I have give blind trust and love too,  are totally shitting on me, forgetting every promise they have ever give me and, I guess, not caring.

I truly wish I could do that, not care. It seems to bring so many people happiness  and satisfaction. Maybe its evil of me to dream of, but I guess it's just another stereotype coming trues, the romantic bleeding-heart dreaming of being a super bitch. It's so removed from what I am, but sometimes I find it hard to live with a heart that's always broken and never fixed...

So I guess the only questions is....will I every learn from my mistakes?

 

Walking...

A lot of sound is filling me tonight, I'm trying to let the tones move through me, travel through my heart and fare away. I feel a lot of anger, rage and hurt and when I'm summing it up in my head, it seems so petty and small unless you are at the heart of the situation.

I was promised a place and a feeling, I was charged to produce blind trust and I gave it, but it was not returned to my heart, mind or life and the debt still stands unanswered. It's my fear that it always will do so and they truly will not care in any way, or even remember what was promised.

My heart is breaking because I feel so very betrayed, especially after I gave the blind trust that was demanded of me, and returned non at all to me. Its a very hard one to swallow because it means that I'm alone again.

Well maybe the universe is trying to tell me something, yet again I'm meant to walk alone on this path of a lifetime.

End of June 2012

As I flee to the few shadows remaining the our sunny garden, I realize that a lot have changed, without leaving any visible marks on the surface of my daily life. I still have a lot of self-hatred to battle when I look in the mirror, but a more stable confidence is building up, so far so good. 


Yesterday My beloved sister Jackie came down from London to visit and I had the possibility to show my southern coast town/city off, and I was through her eyes I realized that I actually do love this place more the I thought. I know that I don't want to move north, despite a few attractive job offers, because after 2 years, Im really starting to own the place and build a proper home base, not just the physical home, but also build a feeling of home in whole place. 


My perception have changed in many ways, I can not see certain darker shadows in my own mind, identify them and take action to transform. The process can be slow, but one you just wake up and realize that you have changed. I have nothing planned for today, Im sitting in the garden, (within reach of WiFi, naturally) and just busy feeling the earth beneath my feet, and while my life at this moment is not perfect, at this moment I can truly say that I feel happiness...who would have thought that of me 2 years ago in Denmark. :) 

We have a coffee cat :)

Summer on the south coast :) 

     

Memories of Copenhagen

Due to the death of internet (sort of, at the moment I'm  abusing my mobiles internet on ma PC), I started to look through old old OLD folders and found some great stuff that inspired this post:

Memories of Copenhagen